


farther

by dramaticpainter



Category: EXO (Band)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-31 11:45:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18590605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dramaticpainter/pseuds/dramaticpainter
Summary: He doesn't know.





	farther

**Author's Note:**

> very depressing, no context just feelings

He lies and keeps lying. He both pretends to be fine and wants people understand his pain.

 

Now 20 years old, Jongdae is lost.  
He feels lonely, results of never keeping contact with any of the friends he made in his life. They've just been passing by, never staying long enough for him to open up.

This boy never thought of keeping them by his side anyway. He never had the courage to ask them to stay, to put up with him, because he doesn't remember if he ever thought he was glad to be alive. In his mind he reassured himself that everyone was as unhappy as he was, that everyone played their part by smiling and faking happiness with him. No one was truly happy and it was fine. They all kept going anyway so he would too.

His world had always felt miserable and he didn't want to admit that others might truly be viewing it differently.  
And that's why, that's why he couldn't get close to anyone. Getting close meant that he might find out that what he believes in isn't right.  
If it wasn't right, he doesn't know how he would take it.

So one night he decided he had to go.  
He didn't need to act in play where he was the only one without the script.  
And he went away, took the road, destination unknown, just him in his hoodies and jeans and 56 dollars 35  cens in his wallet, his driving licence nothing else.  
There is no one to stop him from going anymore.  
Would he regrets leaving? Perhaps, only time will tell. 

 

 

 

 

 

After hours of driving the sun was finally showing up . The warm light it gave out felt so soothing and calming as if it was telling him he already went far enough. He stopped on the side of the very narrow road, left his car and sat on the grass as he watched the horizon. The naive boy realized that he had never left the city, all these years he's been seing the same old buidings, the same sceneries... But now  he contemplated before him large fields of crops and the shadow of a forest farther away.  
He wasn't searching for anything, he had no goals, no hope nothing but right now he didn't really know, was it sadness?

emptiness? 

or is it guilt? 

 

His only fault was that he was still alive...  
He doesn't really want to die, that's not it. 

He needs to disappear.

Why?

How? 

 

He is a mistake....     

No worst.

 

 

 

He is nothing.

 

 

 

A cloud covered the sun, he shivered at the timing and got up on his feet.  
He didn't want to drive again so he just left without his car, he walked towards the forest just to have some goal for himself to kept going. When he finally reached the first trees his feet were screaming a him but he resolutly went deeper.  
He remembered the noodles he ate at the convenience store the night before as his stomach growled but still didn't stop to find something to eat. 

Days later, Chen  knew he couldn't keep going he knew but this boy was going to try anyway. He wanted to know how long it would take for him to give up. After taking a big breath in, he mustered all of the strength left in him to run, leaves crunching beneath his feets. He screamed with all his lungs trying to reach something, someone, his raw voice got lost in the wind, only the night sky and the forest were before him. What was he doing ?  
He was exhausted but he felt so free so liberated it's been too long since his last meal, since his last nap and his whole body collapsed and crashed on the dirty soil. 

His little and fragile self laid half on the grass and half in the mud. He wished for nothing, hoped that nothing else would come but the end. He closed his eyes and finally lost consciousness. Wet dirty black hair and torn jeans, a pitifuk way of going.

 

 

 

And it was fine, just fine  
No regrets, it was all just fine  
You choose to stay in the light, to bask in it.  
You avoided others and stayed there just sat there watching all around you. As if you would stay there forever. You wished for this forever, for the time to stop, for the world to stop moving forward. This peace, this place, forever to stay in your heart.  
In front of you was a path, a forest, where the vegetation grew so dense that the light couldn't even dream of reaching the darkness inside.  
You were scared off it, you thought you could enter it, you've always thought you could, and that you didn't care. But here you were. Terrified.  
And the warmth of the light kept you where you were. Inside this peacefulness, you stayed.  
But this darkness never left me  
Little by little it became part of me. Found a place where to stay, too deep inside for me to be able to reach out to. I've tried all the medicine I could think of but none of them worked.  
Time didn't help either. It spread like a disease never stopping itself.  
I wasn't able to rest.  
So I watched as my body rotted from the inside.  
Witness of my own demise as it came to me  
No it came from me  
It didn't leave no,  
It was on my skin and under my skin flowing, an invisible veil of nightmare  
There, deteriorating like a corpse would after being left uncared for in a pool of stagnant warm water.

 

Wishes granted.


End file.
